What should you get dear ol' Dad for Father's Day? You didn't forget, did you? You bad, bad child. Your parents deserve a better child than you. Felicia will save your ass with some last minute suggestions:
1) A bottle of Knob Creek - word on the street is that there is going to be a Knob Creek shortage this summer. Dad can probably sell that bottle of Knob on eBay for a good price after he squanders all of his retirement money at the track. Unless he drinks it all himself like the lush that he is.
2) A bottle of The Dalmore 1263 King Alexander III or Mount Gay Rum Extra Old. I have never tried either one of these, but I told some bigwig marketing broad that I would plug them for Father's Day because I thought she said she was going to send me some of both. Turns out, she said she was going to send me some information on them both. Dammit. BTW, The Dalmore is only $200. Doesn't your Dad deserve that kind of love? No, mine neither. The Mount Gay is only $50 if you're feeling thrifty. A one-and-a-half ounce bottle of Jack Daniels is only $1.99.
3) Sharpen his lawnmower blades at Agway. Of course, he'd love it! Everyone loves appliance- and tool-related presents. Why, I bought Leah a vacuum cleaner for her birthday and she was just thrilled to pieces about it.
4) Admit that when you were a teenager you drank his booze and added water to the bottle in its place. Dad, I didn't do that! I was too much of a geek. But I'll bet my sister did.
5) Buy Dad a pedicure. His toenails are probably a little funky at his age. And who doesn't like a good foot rub?
6) How the hell should I know what you should get your dad? Call him yourself and ask him what he wants. And for god's sake, don't take him to the Chinese Buffet. That's reserved for Christmas.